People are 4 Dimensional

My book club recently read the book “Healing Conversations.”  We had great discussions for seven sessions about the very fundamental questions of human nature. My leadership brain just kept asking, “How did our society get so polarized?” Has our insatiable quest to gain knowledge, and make our lives “better and easier” resulted in such a frenzied competition to gain the upper hand that we resort to the draconian ways of hierarchy, power, and control to elevate ourselves over others?  Sadly, there is more and more evidence of that in our world.

Whether personal, professional or completely detached from the endpoint, this mindset harms people and it harms relationships, all of which can have long-lasting effects.  It’s time to get back to the basics of common decency and foundational human relational skills!

After all, we are all human beings; we each have the same basic human needs to be loved, appreciated, and accepted for who we are. Many say we have more in common than we have differences.  So how do some develop the ego to think that they are so much better than others; and treat others as “less than?” It comes down to the Golden Rule that our grandmothers taught us - treat others like you want to be treated.

I also thought about the DISC Model of Human Behavior.  There are four basic personality styles, and each of us is a unique blend of all of them. We are individuals, yet there are relatively predictable ways in which each of the four basic personality styles is wired to respond in social situations.  Learning these skills improves our emotional intelligence so we not only understand ourselves better but how to be other-centered and treat others like THEY want to be treated.  And if we do that consistently, not surprisingly, relationships improve!

We are also each four-dimensional beings; with a Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul. To be healthy and whole, our innate sense of self-preservation leads us to take good care of ourselves.  Our unique qualities cause us to feel differently than others; which naturally leads to emotional conflict, at which point we are faced with a CHOICE.  We can respond in a self-centered, self-preservation mode or use our emotional intelligence to seek to understand the other person’s perspective. 

Strained relationships are a result of poor application of these skills, thus psychological safety can get violated quickly. Emotions rise, and each party gets triggered with a reflexive fight or flight alarm.  We must all learn to have better control over our responses.  We must pause long enough for our frontal lobe, executive functions to catch up so we can offer a respectful response, or the interaction will likely become unbalanced.

If one person continues to push his agenda, the other may fight back, or start to back up – thus the battle for power and control begins!  We each make choices about how much we will give of ourselves at that moment, and within the relationship in general, depending on how we are being treated. No one wants to be controlled and we must activate our emotional intelligence to create and maintain a healthy relationship, no matter how the other person is behaving! 

Yes, that is very difficult, especially with all the stress in our lives these days! In fact, Daniel Goleman reported recently that our emotional intelligence as a global society has dropped by 3.4%.  Quite frankly, I was surprised it was only a 3.4% drop.  Why and how does that happen?

Just look around.  We have become very self-absorbed as a society.  We are more concerned about what is happening on our hand-held devices than who is sitting right in front of us.  Watch young people out to dinner – they are all staring at their phones, rarely even interacting with others at the table.  People walk or drive into solid objects because they aren’t even paying attention to their gross motor skills.

Our social skills have weakened because we spend too much time staring at screens and are more concerned about how many “friends” we have on social media than having a decent conversation in person.

For some, it’s all about who’s winning, who’s stronger, who has more influence and power – and how do I get more of THAT?! A strong-willed person exhibiting poor Emotional intelligence can knowingly or unknowingly use his perceived power to suppress others.  If he is in a leadership position or is somehow rewarded for success with this type of behavior, he may continue to use this strategy to shower Limiting Beliefs and tear others down. He may enjoy his elevated status and seek to create an authority gradient to pursue more power for himself.  

All the while, the suppressed feel weaker as they gradually lose opportunities to use their gifts, talents, and strengths.  Their potential is squelched as this misuse of power dehumanizes them into faceless, heartless objects to be managed, controlled, or worse yet, ignored and canceled!

The result is a disempowered, disengaged person who naturally responds with self-defense, and disobedience to the power structure, and s/he will likely rebel or leave the relationship.

This unfortunate process often begins in childhood and can result in a person developing a very damaged, negative self-esteem that gets carried into adulthood. You may be familiar with the sound, “I am not good/smart enough.  I am not worthy.  I don’t make a difference.  I am just an expendable, replaceable FTE!”

Over time, the way you view yourself is the way your brain will prepare your body for a challenge. Most of us have rehearsed our self-defeating strategies for so long that we think it is who we are; a part of "our identity." This can eventually create ailments in any/all four dimensions of the body – mental health issues, physical health issues, inability to reach our potential, or understanding the deep meaning of our life!

I believe this is why we have seen a major increase in mental health issues and suicide!  No sector of our society is immune, ranging from young children to accomplished professionals. To that, we must say, "ENOUGH - NO MORE! This is not how humanity was created to be! 

The good news is our brains are malleable; emotional intelligence is a learned skill.  The sooner and more completely we mature in this area, the better we understand and treat ourselves.  The better we feel about ourselves, the more successful we can become in our relationships.  Since our brain doesn't know the difference between real and perceived threats, how we tell it to prepare will manifest in how we respond. So, we might as well prepare for success! 

People are to be led, not managed – there is a big difference. If a person is treated well, he does not need to be controlled or micromanaged with carrot-and-stick motivation. When a person is respected in all four dimensions, including in a whole job – paid fairly, treated kindly, and creatively given opportunities to serve others, he is more likely to be empowered and engaged to make appropriate decisions, for the good of all. 

Creating An Ideal Life

The best way to create our ideal life is to proactively manage our goals with positive and empowering self-talk. The old, broken record, limiting belief statements must be ACTIVELY and PERSISTENTLY abolished, and reset every day with truthful statements about our abilities, passions, and opportunities to grow. This will rewire neural pathways for success, rather than constantly reacting to the chaos of this world in fight-flight mode!

Continue to invest in yourself; and ignite your unique, strong, and best YOU every day!  There is no one like you, therefore step out with the confidence that what you have to offer is valuable.

Strive to become a charismatic, empowering, servant leader who lifts others up also, so they too can reach their greatest potential.  Help satisfy everyone’s basic human needs to be loved, appreciated, and accepted for who they are!

Here are examples of self-empowering statements to recite throughout the day :

I am a priceless child of GOD. I am passionate to live out my God-given purpose.

I am loved, wanted, worthy, and invaluable. I use my unique gifts and talents to serve others.

I trust God to put the right people in my life, to guide and mentor me to reach my full potential.

I invest in myself and constantly create opportunities to grow personally and professionally.

I am a highly engaged, visionary, strategic-thinking, servant leader who is an early adopter of innovative strategies to promote positive change.

I show up and give 100% of myself to make a difference every day.

I have a valuable message to contribute; I’m confident it has value for the betterment of others.

I encourage others to share their gift/voice also; to create a well-balanced, synergistic team!

I belong here, I am appreciated, and my vulnerability is needed to create safety, connection, and healthy, fulfilling relationships.

I am indispensable and joyful in my calling.

See more on the subject in the Invest in Yourself module, or if you're ready to give it a go.....